Teach us, Oh G8d, to number my days, that we be wise of heart, teach us to make of our life and our living a work of art, Limnot yamenu, ken hoda, navi levav chochmah And when my time on this earth is done And my life tumbles on to infinity I’ll look back on my journey & know my love lives on. ~from psalm 90 ְ למנוָֹתֵ ימינֵוּכּןהַ וֹדְעָ וִ נב֗אְלַבבָחְכָמה
Each Stage of grief is addressed in our tradition, which may help with the feelings and realities of your loss and accompany you from one phase to the next. I am there to assist with, and to personalize the process. Those who have passed on have touched our lives, and although we can no longer physically touch them, their love and energy, the spirit of their life is eternal.
- Aninut – The brief time between hearing the news and the funeral
Shock, and funeral preparations abound
-Kriya – tearing of a garment symbolizes the breaking of the bond in our life, the heartbreak. It may be a symbolic ribbon if desired.
-Blessing – Baruch Atah Adonai/Havayah, (dayan) haEmet; blessed are You, oh Holy One, who is Truth
–Focus: on the soul and body, which had been the gifted to person who has now died.
–Arrangements: traditional are a quick burial, no embalming, a plain pine casket (or none) and burial shroud. Talit may be included, with fringes cut. Tahara, ritual washing of the body may be arranged, and Shmira, a watching and reciting of psalms until burial.
b. –Funeral (levaya in Hebrew) meaning “accompaniment” As we guide the body to the earth, the kever/grave
If there are pall bearers, psalms may be said
Eulogy/hesped helps us to remember the good things
Prayers include El Malei, G8d of compassion, and the mourner’s Kaddish
It may be helpful for the mourners to take turns filling the grave, with a shovelful of earth (or more). As the funeral ends, the focus shifts entirely to the mourners, and their relationships. A channel of two lines of people embody this transition. Blessing: HaMakom yinachem etchem… May the Holy One comfort you.
Meal of condolence may follow, family and friends bring food.
- Shiva Tradition entitles mourners to seven days of not working, and receiving comfort from guests, even if a Holy Day interrupts. Memories and food, (but not mundane conversations) are appropriate. Kaddish can be recited (up to 3 times per day!) Silence is ok. Tears and memories are also ok.
It is traditional to cover mirrors, and to sit on a box or on floor.
- Shloshim –The first thirty days after the funeral. A transition from the shock of loss to the reality of the loss. It is ok not to pretend everything is ok, you don’t have to shave, you can wear the kriya/tear. After 30 days, a walk outside to refresh can help transition to the next stage.
- Kaddish-this life-affirming prayer can be said daily in a minyan for eleven months. Virtual minyans count! This can be a powerful way of transitioning the relationship to the soul of the deceased. It is a way of continuing healing.
- Shanah – The first year after the death. Each birthday, Holiday, and seasonal family tradition will be the first one without the loved one. It is helpful to find a way to include their memory: an empty chair, photos of the loved one, sharing memories.
- Yahrtzeit- the Hebrew anniversary of the day of the death. It is customary to light a candle that burns for the day. It is lit the evening before.
- Yiskor A special service of Memory said four times per year: on Yom kippur, The last day of Passover, last day of Sukkot, Shavuot. A time to light the memorial candle and let all the light of their love be with you.
- Jewish beliefs in afterlife Simply: human consciousness survives bodily death. Your relationship, their legacy, their time on earth was real. It is helpful to connect to that consciousness/energy/relationship.
- Unveiling –the placing of a stone marker on the grave, typically within one year after passing. Family gathers, psalms may be read, memories shared. Blessing is El Malei Rachamim, and the mourner’s kaddish is said. It is traditional to place a pebble on marker, to say “I was here”.
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