Miryam's Space

EREV RH 2021 5722

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Tonight is the new moon of Tishrei, According to Zohar, our joy begins to increase as the moon’s light brightens. The Zohar says, that Because of Israel, G&d brightens the moon’s light.  The light will be brightest on the harvest festival of sukkot

But we are not there yet.

As we enter into our prayer spaces, this day we are awestruck.

Rosh Hashanah has four nicknames, each inspiring awe

1. Yom hadin: the Day of Judgement
2. Yom hazikaron: the Day of Remembrance
3. Yom teruah: The Day of the horn blast
4. Yom harat ha-olam: The day the World was Conceived

R. Alan Lew writes “This is real, and you are Completely Unprepared” – likening the sudden awareness and awe/ fear during these Holy Days  to the entry of a couple about to be parents into the labor room.

Like new parents, perhaps the “labor” that precedes our own renewal is the hard word of seeking forgiveness for the wrongs and damage we have done by our less than skillful choices.  But just as in childbirth there is danger, is there a danger of getting stuck in the “al chet”, in beating yourself up? Perhaps, if you are like me:

I am my own worst critic, for example:

I have always hated looking at photos of myself, particularly candids, So I don’t look.  In teaching on zoom these days, however, it’s always there – your picture! So I use this neat thing  the “hide self view” setting that lets you escape the stress of having to look at and judge yourself constantly

Look at this spot on the page   What do you see? Didi you notice the white surrounding or just the dot

Lew writes that of all the forgiveness we are tasked with, self forgiveness is the hardest, we hold ourselves to such high standards. And this causes us to bury our mistakes, “that didn’t happen” We hide our self view!

Look harder at the black dot, there are sparks of white within

There is a verse from proverbs 34:15 Turn aside from evil and do good”

BeSHT interpreted the verse from Proverbs “to mean, “Turn evil into good”

But how can we turn our darkest traits to good ones?

It’s hard to even turn inside to really look at them.

R’ Nachman of Bratslov offers this advice: “When all we see and feel is negativity, we must search within ourselves for an aspect of goodness, the white dot within the black, and then find another and another until these dots form musical notes. Our task, he said is to find enough white notes to form a melody!

The true niggun of our soul, that sings our goodness.

R Lew continues: the Talmud tells that in the world to come, all will have to account for the desires they did not fulfill in this beautiful world.  Specifically eating different types of fruit (Jerusalem Talmud, Kiddushin 4:12).

The desires themselves are G&d given, are sacred.

It’s how we act upon them, those choices, not the desire to use them that cause harm to other people.

But accepting and embracing our essence, self compassion, can lead to heart opening.

Lew suggest we ask: what do I hate most about myself? Personally, it’s impatience, and the desire to be noticed. I get excited, and talk over folks Then I feel the bitter after-taste, the self hatred that follows. How can I be so selfish, and step on other folks’ ego for the sake of my own? I may apologize, but then I get busy with something else, I end up not working on it. Lew suggests that instead, we fully inhabit, do not run away from our mistakes. And then take a moment to find the white within the dark, the Divine spark. My enthusiasm for life makes me impatient. I get so excited by an “aha”. Instead of the judgement, what if at that moment, “we opened our heart to heaven”.   

 What is it for you?

This is the Turning – Teshuva, that can turn us toward our essesence, our heart, and toward G&d. if a person did wrong and they return, they are held in greater esteem by the Holy One of Being than before In the place that ba’alei teshuvah [masters of return] stand, even completely righteous ones cannot stand” (Tomer Devorah1:8)

The original verse in Talmud is that Teshuva, Tefilah and Tzedakah are so powerful they can “tear up” the evil judgement, g’zerah, against us (Unetaneh Tokef)

The machzor now says

They can Maavirin et roa ha gezerah.

They transform the evil of the judgement, the roa –or perhaps it’s our perception that changes, the decree isn’t evil, it’s just how things are….

I asked myself, why is it that I hate looking at most photos of myself, in many candid shots, I’m scowling, frowning I don’t have a peaceful glow about me, I look anxious, and much too busy, it’s not what I want to see about myself. Instead of hiding my self view, what if I were more heart open during ordinary candid moments, perhaps I would transform my outlook, transform myself, then I could love myself in those pics.

Funny, when I look back at old pics, so young and healthy, I say how could I have hated these pics…?

My goal is Shiviti – to be aware that the Holy One is before me in all my experiences. That’s what it means in Deuteronomy 4:4 Atem had’vekim Adonai Eloheichem Chayim kulhem hayom!  May we be written in the book of Life, Sefer Chayim

Shiviti Adonai L’negdi Tamid

G*d, I set you before me continually

I know you in the blessings that come to me each day

Sweetened by Gratitude, deepened by sharing them with You

I feel you in the spaces between me and the people I meet

Help me to know that it’s Your light that I see deep in their eyes, deep in their heart

And when I walk in wild places, my head reaching for the skies,

Give me the courage to guard and to keep your beautiful garden

And oh in the darkness, help me find the light

And when You feel so far away, that yearning’s all that’s left to me

Help me to know that the yearning’s OK,

Let it be my pathway home