Miryam's Space

Why bother? What is the Reward for living a good life: is it during one’s lifetime, or is it in olam haba’a, the world to come? And what exactly is the world to come? And what does this all have to do with trees, and the Holiday of Tu B’Shevat, the Jewish Arbor day?

I have recently watched the wonderful new Pixar movie Soul. One thing the movie creates is an adorable version of the spiritual realms beyond earth, for souls waiting to make the journey to earth, and also hints at a “hereafter” for departed souls.  Is this the world to come, or is it our own future, the world which our children will inherit? The answer matters a lot, for the environmental crisis is nearing a crucial point. If we can envision a changed world, we can enable a beautiful planet rich in life that can support future souls waiting to be born. If we cannot, we have just plain failed. Now is the time!

All this year I’ve been studying Pirke Avot with Dr. Joseph Rosenstein. These paragraphs reflect wisdom and advice for folks in all walks of life during Mishnaic times, when Judiasm was reeling and recreating itself following the destruction of the second Temple.   In these Chapters are, evolving ideas of how the Rabbis of this period answer this question of the reward for living a good life, and it begins by defining “good” as a life of learning, spiritual service and acts of loving kindness. In Chapter1: 2, Shimon Hatzadik famously answers that the entire world stands on those three pillars!

Chapter 1:14 ends in teaching  im lo achshav eimatai. If I am not for myself, who will be for me, if I am only for myself, what am I, and If not now, when? The reward of righteous living is creating a good world, it’s up to us.

But in Chapter two, which is written later, we see a very different answer: In teaching 20-21 Rabbi Tarfon teaches “The day is short, the task is great, the workmen are sluggish, the reward is great, and the Boss (G!d) is insistent. Then in verse 21, which begins “It is not up to you to complete the work (G!d’s work), but you are not free to desist,…and Know that the reward of the righteous is in the world to come.”

Whoa, what happened since chapter one?

The task of living a life of the mind and spirit, rich with acts of loving kindness, it seems has grown overwhelming. For me this often seems true in our days too!  The idea of a ‘hereafter’ where justice reigns had taken a foothold in our imaginations, in order to persist with righteous living in the face of discouraging times.

But we return to our roots in Chapter three, verse 22 where Elazar ben Azaria teaches that the reward is in this world:  that wisdom and loving deeds afford the person a sort of “soul protection” in the face of life’s storms. And he does it by comparing a human to a tree! There are a couple of other sources that say a human being is like a tree. In psalm 92  – tzaddik katamar,  the Righteous person is like the date palm – bearing fruit into old age. Here in Pirke Avot, chapter three, Ben Azaria says there are two kinds of people:

1. The one whose wisdom is greater than their deeds is like a tree with many branches butfew roots, a strong wind uproots it and flips it onto its face. Further this person shall be like a lonely one in the wasteland, and shall not see when good comes; they shall dwell on the parched soil in the wilderness, a salt-saturated land which is uninhabitable. Eretz m’lacha v’ lo teshev.
2. The other type of person whose deeds are greater than their wisdom is like a tree whose branches are few but has many roots. Even if all the winds of the world come and blow upon it, they cannot move it from its place. Of such a one it is said they shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots to the stream of water. Their leaves will remain fresh, they will not be troubled in the year of drought, and they will not cease to bear fruit.

Are there any other texts that liken a human being to a tree? Funny you should ask! In Deuteronomy chapter 20:19, is an amazing verse from where we get the command not to destroy food bearing trees (and all trees have some sort of food: acorns, for example). Never, even if you are besieging a city in times of war. The reason: because is a tree of the field a man coming before you? Fascinatingly, this verse can also be read: the human is a tree of the field!

Finally in Ecclesiastes Rabbah 7:13 G!d says to the human to look at how beautiful My world is. I made it all for you. If you corrupt it no one will be left to repair it.

 I’ve mashed up these texts for the holiday of TuB’shevat (a sort of Jewish Arbor day) into a song and an imperative.

Be like a tree,

Live righteously

who will remain after

 you to repair this wondrous world

Ki ha-ADAM

 EITZ HASADEH

A tree of the field is like

you or me

it’s fruit is sweet  

Ki ha-ADAM

 EITZ HASADEH

A tree of the field is like you or me

Be  someone

whose love is beyond wisdom,

With so many roots..

That Even if all the winds of the world come

to blow you down,

they cannot fool you

you shall be a tree planted by the waters

Be like a tree,

Live righteously

who will remain after

 you to repair this wondrous world

you will bear  sweet fruit

Ki ha-ADAM

EITZ HASADEH

A tree of the field is like you or me

Bo – Come to Pharoah Commands G!d! But Moses and Pharoah fail time and again in their mission to liberate their people And so the final three plagues will descend in ever increasing darkness. The first of these is locusts. According to National Geographic, there are 80 million locusts in a swarm. 80 million buzzing, moving bits of darkness, that devour your food and create another type of darkness: hunger and poverty.

Then the ninth plague, actual darkness, but no ordinary darkness, as we’ll explore. And darkest of all – plague of the slaying of the first born, is courtesy of the Angel of Death.

I have a confession. I hate the darkness, perhaps you do too? I know we need the darkness to appreciate the light, and that death is a part of life. But the idea that G!d is in charge of it – an Angel of Death, is deeply troubling. I have only recently in my (not so young) life come to (sort of) embrace sadness. In part to  R’ Jay Michaelson’s amazing book The Gate of Tears.  It is liberating, and necessary to be able to emerge into the light and joy. I have written before of the animated movie Inside Out and its ode to sadness and ultimately, joy.

I remember lying in bed in total darkness following the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy at 7:00 in the evening, thinking, I get it, G!d’s still here, even in the darkness. But I didn’t get it – I still meant the good and the light. Somewhere in my struggle, a friend recommended R’ Rami Shapiro’s book Amazing Chesed. He likens God to the sun, and G!d’s love to sunlight. The sun shines on us all, and very impressively, I might add, from 93 million miles away bestowing life through photosynthesis and warmth. But the sunshine can blind and burn – the impact or effect is part of the package, of the reality at the core of existence. He writes: Chesed (G!d’s loving kindness) isn’t a reward, it’s reality… You cannot control existence; all you can do is learn to work with it, to navigate God’s grace in such a way as to live graciously with a sense of radical acceptance, abounding compassion and deep tranquility.  

So the awareness of G!d’s grace can be a profound gift, even with the darkness. I add my own spin to this understanding: that G!d is the creative power that comes into play when components of the universe are in supportive relationship with one another: the relationship of chesed.   

Now, back to the plagues. Exodus 10:21

Then YHVH said to Moses, “Hold out your arm toward the sky that there may be darkness upon the land of Egypt, a darkness that can be touched.”  When’s the last time you could touch the dark? This is no ordinary darkness! Moses held out his arm toward the sky and thick darkness descended upon all the land of Egypt for three days.(Sefaria’s translation)  The next verse is telling,  How dark was it? It does not say “so dark you couldn’t see your hand in front of your face.” I transate it: (so dark that..) A person could not see his sibling and a person could not rise off their behinds for three days! And to all the children of Israel, there was light in their settlements.

Nachmanides comments that it’s a magical mist-like darkness. Maybe.  To me it’s clearly a darkness of the spirit. One that doesn’t allow you to see that the human being sitting next to you is your brother or sister. Perhaps further,  the loneliness that results becomes a depression – that doesn’t allow you to get off your bottom.

But the dwellings of the Israelites – well, they were painting their doors to look like wombs. (Thanks R’ Arthur Waskow) They were about to get birthed into a relationship with one another, with the land, and with G!d – to become a new free people. From the darkness they would emerge into the light, redeemed together.

Take away: we can be agents of chesed in the world, channeling that sunlight if we act together in love. And that’s more powerful than 80 million buzzing locusts!

Fred Rogers is a hero of mine. I watched Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood with my daughters as they grew. A wonderful movie from 2019 A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood is based on the friendship between Fred Rogers and a journalist, and an actual episode of the television show. The journalist, Lloyd in the movie, had heart had been broken as a child by the death of his mother and his Dad’s abandonment of the family in his inability to handle the loss. Lloyd never healed, and cannot deal with his father, with his childhood in any way. I don’t want to give too much away, but Fred Rogers, in Moses-like humility, sees Lloyd’s hurting and becomes a messenger of caring, a messenger of the Most High, and of healing for Lloyd. I won’t say more, except to urge you to see the movie if you have not yet, or view it again before next High Holy days

I suspect none of us escapes life without a broken heart. What do you do with the broken heart is the real question. Although my wounds were not as deep as Lloyd’s, I tried the same tactic as he, building a wall around my heart, believing in the fairy tales, that you can leave home and live happily ever after, never having to look back. I did not even realize how broken I was, until having to try to care for a very sick parent, I could not handle it, and had an emotional break. I will every be grateful for my family, and my spiritual counselor, my mashpiya ,who helped me look back honestly, to let them, and to the power of Love in this universe Healer of the Broken hearted. It took me a lifetime to heal, but man, did it feel liberating. I still struggle, but also remember the redemption and how great it felt. I should have wondered why I could cry buckets at a sad movie, but not when a loved one died – just feeling empty loss. I have done some rear-view crying. I feel more alive now than ever.

Perhaps all of this is why I resonate so strongly with Shir Yaakov’s beautiful interpretation Healer of the Broken Hearted. It is such a powerful name for G!d, I think of it each morning when I awake and listen to my heartbeat, and remember. Yet this week’s parashah seems to challenge this view with the words “ I will harden Paroah’s heart”. How can these be reconciled?

A new name for the Holy One is  introduced in parashat Va-era, spelled  YHVH, it  is unpronounceable, interbreathing of all life which, means existence. This  new name according to Rashi, and Talmud, and more, is associated with Chesed, loving kindness,. it is this name, YHVH, associated with love and compassion, that we invoke for compassion for our lives on the High Holy days, -this name -inter-breathing of existence (thanks R’ Arthur Waskow) who has heard our cry and will be our redeemer. So  our “fearless” leader, Moshe, when asked to go to Egypt and go to Pharoah so the Israelites may be set free, says in his vulnerability “I am  inadequate” The Israelites would not listen to me; how then should Pharaoh heed me, a man of uncircumcised lips (aral s’fatayim) say Moses in Exodus 6: 12. in his humility before G!d, and gets the promise that both God, be with him and his brother Aaron too. And that’s when YHVY tells Moshes “I will harden Paroah’s heart” Eventually Moshe is convinced he goes to Egypt with Aharon to be our salvation.

What of Pharoah’s heart?  If you look closely  7:13 when Aaron’s staff swallowed Egyptians,  in verse 22 after the plague of blood Paroah –  y‘chazek–strengthens his  own heart – to follow his own urges of anger and to be cruel. After frogs in 8: 11, and insects in 8: 28 and animal disease in 9:7 Pharoah weighs down his heart. Finally God, in  the plague of boils y’chazek, strengthen’s Pharoah’s heart.  Now fearless, Pharoah’s reveals his true self, the one that kills baby boys born to the wrong ethnic background as a show of strength.  

Torah teaches us: true strength is given us by a heart cracked open by awareness of the brokenness, In vulnerability, in letting God in, we let healing in, we can not only be redeemed,  we can feel each other’s pain.

Maybe the   tension between Moshe and Pharoah – humility and ego/ arrogance is also within us. The liberator and the enslaver are both within us. And that the wisdom that is empathy, born  of the healed heart is our Torah and it glows in our eyes. And is our strength

Times are heartbreaking now, beyond our understanding.  But we have all of this wisdom to lean on.  I’ll end with a song: based on Proverbs 3 by Ira and Julia Levin. Here it is on Spotify

When you need more than your own understanding, lean on the power of love

The wisdom you’ll hold is worth ten times the gold Some sell their souls for in vain

And a peace that surpasses every thrill on this plain. 

Is heard when your soul calls your name

And my roads all lead to peace    Let go of your hold and your sorrow will cease

Wisdom will shine through you like a light the trees

Wisdom will shine and you’ll be free and happy

I was going to talk about wonder today. And so much has happened since I began to write this drash. We’ve been shaken to our very core. In a prayer vigil on Wednesday night in response to the attack on the Capitol, R’ David Ingbur recalled the Midrash in which Avraham sees palace on fire,  a birah doleket, and Avraham was able to see wonder, and know G!d was there. But that fire was destructive. There’s a different kind of fire in the parashah, Shemot. Moses is shepherding his father in law’s flock in the wilderness, and he comes to the mountain of G!d. (Aren’t all mountains in the wilderness God’s?) Then These amazing words Vayera malach Adonai alav b’labat eish mitoch ha-sneh. And an angel of G!d was seen by him (Moshe) in the heart of fire in the midst of the thorn bush. And he saw –the word for vision Ra-ah is repeated so many times, a humble thorn bush, not an impressive sight, as a wonder! It’s leaves were burning, but not being eaten up. As our capital, our democracy were burning, they were not destroyed.  And Moshe said “I must turn aside asurah na, v’ereh AND SEE et ha-mareh hagadol hazeh,  and see this great VISION.  Rabbi David ended Wednesday night’s service with Esa einai, I will lift my eyes to the mountains.

And I imagine someone gently with lifting my chin in their hand so my eyes can be lifted to hope and wonder

I lost a friend to cancer this week. I heard those same words at her funeral.

How can we, in these circumstances, lift our eyes, turn aside, and see wonder?

For me, words and music of praise help me wake up each morning adding layers of meaning, helps me to re-cognize the wonder.

In an interview in On Being this week, In answer of what it means to be human, Mary Katherine Bateson (daughter of Margaret Mead) answered “We live in a time of real urgency where we have to mine the rich words of our tradition.. We have to learn to use the word “we” to include all life on earth, and shape everything we do to protect it”  All life. All people, able and disabled, brown and white, male and female, and the more than human world as well.

As Moshe lived in a time of urgency.  He was a runaway dis-graced Prince of Egypt, reduced to shepherding for a Midanite Priest. And he would wander into the wilderness, and open his eyes because of a sense of wonder, would experience God, perhaps for the first time in his life, and find his life’s mission and purpose, and save us all. “And in his heart their burned a flame”  Wonder can ignite a flame in our hearts,  wake us up to our purpose, and lift our eyes. How can we jibe the wonder with the brokenness?

The kabbalists of the sixteenth century were refugees of the Spanish Inquisition, and knew well of brokenness. They had a brilliant answer. It’s all about creation, they said, where in a universe filled with G!d’s light, G!d contracted to make room for creation, storing the light in vessels. But the light was too powerful for the vessels and creation shattered into tiny shards, fragments that became corporeal existence. A residue of G!d’s light remains in each fragment Our mission is to re-gognize the holiness in the fragments, and reconnect the fragments as puzzle pieces, into wholeness, sh’lemut, peace. I share this poem of peace by student Rabbi Heather Paul that I have put to melody, and speaks so powerfully. (I hope to add a recording soon.)

God, You scattered the divine sparks 

so that we may find them in each other,

but sometimes, we forget to look. 

We are Your glistening fragments,

Your shards, Your stars. 

We stand here before you, 

ready to gather the sparks, 

ready to illuminate the world

(like One holy campfire.) 

Sim Shalom tovah u’vrachah, Peace, blessed and lovely, when will we be ready?,

We may be scattered, shattered

but we will glow together, grow together,

we will see each other’s shine

and maybe then, dear God,

we will finally be ready

for peace. 

Barukh Atah Adonai, ha-mevarech et kol ha’olam b’shalom 
Blessed are You, God, who illuminates the world with peace.

December 31^st, 2020

I wish to start by thanking R’ Elizabeth Goldstein, whose study of this parashah began my week with tears. The parashah Vayechi, meaning And he lived, opens with Jacob’s approaching death and will end the death of Joseph and close the book of Beginnings, of Genesis. It begins as the “days of Yaakov’s death drew near”.  He recognizes this and calls his favorite son Joseph to him, to arrange burial in Canaan. We will say goodbye not just to Jacob and Joseph but to all the richly flawed, and brave and deeply human icons of this first book of Torah. And our tradition says it will make us strong, we will say chazak, be strong! as we complete the book.

And Elizabeth asked us “what have each of us personally lost, and are bidding farewell to” and many of us who have experienced fear and loss and vulnerability. Thus the tears. By allowing vulnerability we honored these feelings, and so somehow made it possible to move on.

As we say goodbye to this year, on New Year’s eve.

The old year, with all it’s drama and pathos.

The old seasons. The days are longer, sap will flow, spring is coming.

And to too many souls lost.

What do we do? How can we move on with mortality so near?

Well what does Israel do?

He first invokes his father and grandfather and then calls his grandchildren near, calls them his own, invoking time and generations. Verse 10 chapter 47 – Israel’s eyes were dim with age, he could not see. And Joseph brought them close and he kissed and embraced them in gratitude. I didn’t think I’d ever see you, and G!d has let me see your children.  Gratitude is an enormous part of the answer. Then he makes a small tikkun,  a correction that will endure. All through Torah, where the first born child traditionally had the right to twice the inheritance of others, and to be the leader of the clan, G!d had other plans, and this has led to strife between brothers. Jacob crosses his hands in blessing Ephraim and Menasseh, the younger on the right before the older, in the order we still do things, though Menasseh was first born. Perhaps we can make sme tikkun too.

Then he gives the boys his Angel: may the Angel who has redeemed me from harm bless the lads. Ha-malach ha-goel oti m’kol rah y’varech et ha-naarim. My grandparents were my angels in childhood and have become again. I have a few things from my grandparents, including a challah cover with their names embroidered on it. Who have been your angels

May those angels who have helped us through this past year be with our children, with those who will carry forward beyond us.

Cheshvan, 2781

See, I set before you this day blessing and curse, life and death,… Choose life therefore, so you and your children may live! Commands the Torah!  Why should the Torah have to command this? Don’t we all want to live? Ah, you know as I that we do unskillful things with which harm ourselves and even our children. We can be our own worst, unforgiving critic.  Why do we do this to ourselves? Maybe because we hide our true self: truth can be hard to face, when we doubt our true potential and we settle for less than life affirming choices.  I myself apparently was an expert in hiding truths from myself, this year, my mother’s illness forced me to face childhood hurts for the first time in my adult life. And , although it’s an ongoing struggle, the honesty and tears helped find my way to forgiveness and acceptance. Jay Michaelson’s book, The Gate of Tears helped. Jay is a Rabbi, meditation teacher and scholar writes that we hide truths to protect ourselves.  I came to see that “coming out of the closet” is not just for queer folks but for everyone. I was astonished at how many closets I and other people seem to have. People closet their spirituality, their joys, their life histories, their talents; loves…transgressions… they bury their essential selves, …And of course, their sadness. I think I was afraid of the sadness, the tears. Ironically they were the pathway to heart opening, healing and forgiveness.

Emet, being true to yourself is much harder for some folks. According to the Amer Pediatric Society Among non-binary youth, 41.8 percent of respondents stated that they had attempted suicide at some point in their lives. Many transgender young people experience family rejection,   bullying and harassment, or feel unsafe for simply being who they are – But also, Somehow, many of these children choose life in spite of all the negative forces.

In “Through the Door of Life” “Joy Ladin, prof at Yeshiva U. Writes  suicide had been my duty as a child; now it was my obligation as an adult. She writes of a failed attempt with a knife, and of the day she chose life. She had packed her car and was leaving her family, and wrote: …Driving away, my Jerusalem stone with its ancient injunction drove with me: And therefore choose life….my life insurance policy’s waiting period on suicide was up in two weeks. At almost the same moment, I had become free to begin or end my life.  As I crossed the bridge that separated the region in which I could now walk publicly as myself, from the region in which I had agreed for my wife’s and children’s sake, to shroud myself in maleness, the tears turned into sobs, the sobs into howl, the howls into screaming, shrieking prayers not to survive this act. …I would always be someone who had driven away from those I loved to become myself. My family shrank behind me, shining and distant and fragile as a raindrop on a leaf.. Ahead of me lay nothing – nothing I knew,, Nothing I could imagine, no one I had every really been.  I stopped screaming. I stopped crying. I stopped feeling. A friend was flying in to help me learn to live alone was due in a few hours, and, after all the damage had been done..  It wasn’t any life I would have chosen. But I had chosen life. (Gratitude to my children/ my teachers one of whom gave me this book as a gift)

Perhaps G!d is the force that says choose life.   Instead of the eye of judgement, self or other, what if we could see with G!d’s eye of rachamim. What if we believed in transformation and the possibility for total change?  We could begin with self compassion, embracing our true self.

There is an amazing story of the power of total transformation from the Talmud: Once a gladiator in the arenas of Rome, Reish retired or escaped, I don’t know which, but what do you do after gladiator? Like prisoners today, released with $20 in their pocket, He turned to crime and became a leader of bandits. One day he was walking by the river, and saw a form of striking beauty swimming in the river. Drawn, mesmerized by beauty He put weapons and armor aside and entered the water. Muscled and scarred he swam to the beauty, came near, and his jaw dropped. “you’re a dude” he may have said, in surprise. It was Rabbi Yohanan gone out for a swim, who somehow was not afraid, but looked into Reish’s eyes to see something there. Perhaps he saw the brilliance, or the turning away from intended mischief! “Your strength can be for Torah.” he suggested, opening in Reish’s imagination another path. Yochanan saw the potential for complete teshuvah, transformation.

Reish Lakish didn’t miss a beat, saying that Rabbi Yohanan should devote his beauty to women. In response Yochanan offered an interesting deal to keep the men together: that if Reish were to repent, he  could marry R. Yohanan’s sister, who was “even more beautiful than me.” And this was done.   Reish Lakish was inspired to give up his old life and devote himself to the pursuit of Torah The transformation was almost immediate. When he tried to go back and collect his weapons, he couldn’t pick them up! The two became brothers-in-law, friends, and study partners. Each brought different point of view to their study. They were sparring partners b’shem shamayim! Until one day they weren’t. There is not a happy ending here. Perhaps the arrangement was not so perfect after all. Once someone has transformed, it is forbidden to remind them of the person they used to be. The argument that caused the breach was over  was the law of ritual purity of weapons, the question of when is the raw iron, transformed into a weapon rendered impure. Rabbi Yohanan said when it was first forged. Reish said not until it was hardened and sharpened. Rabbi Yohanan snarkily said that a bandit knows the tools of the trade.

Reish Lakish cried why are you abusing me?!. RY’s response – I’m the only reason you’ve been redeemed from your prior evil life! Worse even than reminding Reish he took the credit for Reish’s Teshuvah

Both Reish Lakish and Rabbi Yohanan were devastated. First Reish died and then,  Rabbi Yohanan then became depressed. And soon died a broken man.  What does it mean to deny teshuva and forgiveness?  it could be the loss of life itself.  If there is no hope of transformation how do we go on living? (Gratitude to my teacher R’ David Vaisberg who introduced me to this piece of Talmud)

There was another guy who could not forgive, and who therefore denies life.  On Yom kippur we read of the reluctant prophet Jonah who ran away from G!d. But what exactly does it mean to run away from the source of Life, Light and compassion? In fact, under that gourd that withers after Nineveh is forgiven, Jonah asks for death, and citing G!d’s grace love and compassion rejects these, as if to say to G!d “I knew you’d forgive them, you’ve ruined everything” 

I think that Jonah was always seeking death, because that’s what it means to run from the source of Life. I wrote this song using the notes of the shofar for the intervals. I thank my teachers this summer who inspired this song: Rav Ruth Gan Kagan, and her amazing class on the Thirteen Middot, and Rabbi David Ingber, in whose class on Reb Tzodok haCohen, reminded us that Jonah went to sleep in the midst of the storm, and the deeper meaning for this sleep. When overwhelmed we close our eyes, R’ David said, and that the Zohar teaches that Jonah’s story is an allegory, we are all travelers in life’s rickety boat .

JONAH (music linked to the title)

What does it mean to run away from, the source of life and light?

How could you go to sleep Jonah in the middle of this storm, this tonight?

Even in the belly of the boat in the pit of despair,

there can be light Jonah, if only you’ll awaken!

Awaken your heart to compassion, open, to feel again

Return to embrace your true essence,  commit to healing the land

Choose life

Oh the storm is raging Throw me overboard, And you’ll be safe,

I will find a haven, sleeping in the waves

Even in the belly of the fish, in the pit of despair

  there can be love Jonah, a pathway to repair

Chorus

Don’t give up on us Jonah

There’s no part of us beyond reclaim

Grace love and compassion, are the magic of your mission.

Somehow through the tears,  we can find connection

To creation and to the space/ the face of G!d!

Adonai, Adonai El rachum v’chanun

Erech apayim v’rav chesed, v’ emet

Notzer chesed laalafim,

Nosseh avon vafesha v’chata v’nakeh

Chorus.

Jonah’s journey to choose life for himself meant the possibility of life for all of Nineveh. We are Nineveh today. A quarter million pounds of carbon dioxide are released to the atmosphere each minute.

Some of our actions bring great harm not only to individuals but to the earth herself, in the pursuit of “greed is good,” we are stealing our children’s future, burning up this beautiful planet, burning up its wondrous creatures. Shechina (G!d’s feminine presence) herself is wounded, crying Wake up! Thinking things will never change, & not forgive ourselves for these actions. is a deadly response.  There is a warning in the ten commandments that  sins of the parents carry to children so we’d better get it right for them

When we say this problem is too hard to change, aren’t we just being realistic about our limitations? According to a teaching of the Baal Shem Tov we are simply not living up who we are destined to be, ladders between heaven and earth. This of self doubt is a sort of spiritual laziness, keeping us from being agents of transformation. We are being like Jonah, not choosing life. We are failing to recognize our potential, that “what we do matters”. Like Jonah, we’re full of judgment, and we can’t find our way out, we don’t fight for our own lives.

It’s not for himself that Jonah woke up. Giant storm is raging outside, and he climbs into that boat to got to “sleep” like we’re sleeping right now. It’s not for his life, but for the innocent sailors he gets up, and then what does he say?. “throw me overboard” From the moment Jonah has run away from God, he’s already in the belly of despair, suicidal from a place of judgementalism, and “things will never change”

W all despair sometimes. I thought I  could not change until I found myself healing from old hurts, I thought our society could never change and then I saw a virus make us stop in our tracks, in order to save life, AND EVERYTHING CHANGED, we are capable of change, and we must, if not to save ourselves, then for the sake of the children.

We, like Jonah can wake up.

Life can be saved.

God is the magnetic field who pulls the world back home, with the force of teshuvah (repentance). Home, our magnetic north Is the chen, chesed, and rachamim – the essences of the 13 middot/ attributes of the Divine. And after  the storm grace that returns

So choose life like Joy did, like the young Reish Lakish , and as a reluctant Jonah did with G!d’s help.

Choose life so our children can live!

Sukkot is one of my favorite holidays! We get to be outdoors, decorate the Sukkah (booth) look through the leaves to the sky, and usually invite company (OK not this year) The picture below is my sukkah.

The holiday is nicknamed “Time of our Joy!” Paradoxically it is also a time when we ask for salvation. The Hoshanot are an acrostic prayer said during Sukkot, carrying the Torah, dancing in circles, and waving the lulav, and asking for salvation for the earth and the people. Rabbi Zalman Schachter Shalomi wrote this version in English almost 30 years ago, and we need it now more than ever, as our own and our children’s existence is threatened by greed and power structures we humans are perpetuating. Each day is thematic for what was created on that day, and on the seventh day, all of the “Save us” prayers are said. In Israel, this is connected with prayers for rain, and willow branches beatn on the floor seem to be pulled from ancient memory of rain rituals. After all, willows only grow where there’s lots of water! The melody is mine, simple, and repetitive to encourage participation, The words are mostly Reb Zalman’s, ending with a new version of Hoshiya et Amecha: Save Your People.

Here are the words

Rabbi Zalmon Schachter-Sholomi, 5753 

For the first day

Hosha’na for the sake of 

the Aura of life 

the Brilliant beams of Light 

the Crystal Clarity of Your Light 

the Dynamics of Dazzling Light 

the Effulgent excellence of Your Light 

the Fiery Photons of light 

the Glory of golden light 

the Halos of hope and light 

the Illumination of Your Light 

^{The joys of sight} 

_{For the Second Day} 

Hosha’na for the sake of 

The Karmic separation of sky and water 

The Luminosity of Your sky

the Majesty of the sky 

the nourishment coming in rain from Your sky 

the Orient and Occident in the sky

the Purple sunset of the sky 

The Quality of purity of Your sky 

The Range of Radiance of the sky 

The Stretch of the firmament of Your sky 

The Treasures of rain that pour from the sky 

For the Third Day

Hosha’na for the sake of 

the Ubiquity of the Plants 

The Variety of Your plants on earth 

the Wellness of the Plants 

The Xylem and phloem of healthy Plants 

the Your lovely Yucca plants 

The Zucchinis and the  Zinnias 

the Aspen trees in Your vast Forests

the Beautiful Berry bushes 

the Chlorophyll to catch the sunlight

The Date Palms covered in Your Dew

Hosha’na for the fourth

Hosha’na for the sake of 

the Earth our Precious Planet 

the Faraway distant stars 

the Galaxies in Your universe 

the Horizons of the sky 

Infinity of Your vast space 

The Joyous music of the Spheres 

the Komets and Asteroids 

The luminous Leo constellation 

the Moons around Your Planets 

the Nebulae & neutron stars 

For the fifth day 

Hosha’na for the sake of 

Owls and all 0viparious life 

The Perches and Your piping Plovers 

The Quails and the Quahaug 

The Robin’s song and Your Red Snapper 

Seagulls and streamlined Swordfish 

Turtles and Your Turtle Doves 

Univalves and spikey Sea Urchins 

Varieties of Your Precious Plankton 

Waterfowl and wondrous Whales 

Yellowtail tuna and Your yellow perch 

For the sixth day 

Hosha’na for the sake of 

The Zebras and zebu cows

The Aardvarks and Armadillos 

The Bears and Your soaring Eagles 

The Children and the wild Chimpanzees 

The Deer and Your Dromedaries 

The Elk and mighty Moose 

The Fawns and Families 

The Giraffes and peaceful Gorillas 

Humans and Your healers

For the Seventh day 

Hosha’na for the sake of of 

Letting our lovely Earth know rest 

Letting Your Earth heal 

Letting our Earth recover 

Loving Your Earth in peace 

Letting people find their center 

Letting people find rest and freedom 

Letting Your children play in peace 

Living Shabbat in Mindfulness 

Loving others and ourselves, Loving others as ourselves

Hoshiyah, et Amecha, 

may we be worthy of salvation

Hoshiyah, et Amecha, may we have the courage to save creation

Hoshiyah, Ur’em v’nas’em, ad ha-olam

Sustain and uplift us to save Your childrens’ wondrous world 

Hoshiyah, Ur’em v’nas’em, ad ha-olam

Sustain and uplift us to save our childrens’ wondrous world

Friday Elul 29, 5780

Jonah

On Yom kippur we will read of the reluctant prophet Jonah who ran away from G!d. But what exactly does it mean to run away from the source of life, light and compassion? In fact, under that gourd that withers after Nineveh is forgiven, Jonah asks for death, and cites the thirteen middot, as if to say to G!d “I knew you’d forgive them, you’ve ruined everything” 

I think that Jonah was always seeking death, because that’s what it means to run from the source of Life. The song below uses some notes of the shofar for the intervals. I thank my teachers this summer who inspired this song: Rabbi Ruth Gan Kagan, whose amazing class on the Thirteen middot inspired this assignment, and to Rabbi David Ingber, whose class on Tzodok haCohen, teaching about awareness, reminded us that Jonah went to sleep in the midst of the storm, and the deeper meaning for this sleep is this: When overwhelmed we close our eyes, R’ Ingber said, and the Zohar teaches Jonah’s story is an allegory, we are all travelers in life’s rickety boat. This opening lyric, with nine beats of the t’ruah, is a question from that study.

Here are lyrics from my new song: Jonah, which includes the the 13 attributes of G!d. Here is a vocal recording.

What does it mean to run away from,

the source of life and light?

How could you go to sleep Jonah

in the middle of this storm, tonight?

Even in the belly of the boat,

in the pit of despair, there can be light, Jonah,

if only you’ll awaken

Awaken your heart to compassion,

open, to feel again

Return to embrace your true essence, 

commit to healing the land

Choose life!

Oh the storm is raging Throw me overboard, And you’ll be safe,

I will find a haven, sleeping in the waves

Even in the belly of the fish, in the pit of despair

there can be love Jonah, a pathway to redemption

Chorus: Awaken your heart to compassion, open to love again

Return to your true essence, commit to healing the land, Choose life…

Don’t give up on us Jonah

There’s no part of us beyond reclaim

The Grace love and compassion,

are the magic of your main mission.

Somehow through the tears, we can find redemption

We might see the face of G!d…

Thirteen Attributes and Chorus

I aspire to be more awake in the coming year!

Sunday, Elul 24^th  on Truth

Emet means truth in Hebrew, and it  is one of the 13 Middot, attributes of G!d. I have been studying the Thirteen Middot all summer with Rabbi Ruth Gan Kagan. Each Middah is a powerful place in the Divine constellation, that has its resonance in the human soul.  It is said the truth can set you free, through some deep soul searching I’ve just this year healed from childhood hurts I’d denied for decades in my relationship with a family member, and found my way to forgiveness. It is quite liberating! I gained much healing from tears I shed, and this book, Jay Michaelson’s The Gate of Tears was helpful. Jay is a Rabbi, meditation teacher and scholar of religion with a Ph.D in Jewish thought. I share a brief writing from his book on hiding the truth.  I came to see that “coming out of the closet” is not just for queer folks but for everyone. I was astonished at how many closets I was living in, and how many other people seem to have. People closet their spirituality, their joys, their life histories, their talents; they hide loves, transgressions, virtues, and tribes; they bury their essential selves, as if burying something is the best way to preserve it. And of course, their sadness. There is shame around sadness as if it’s a sign of failure- like you’re not doing it right. Even though so many contemplative and philosophical traditions say that sadness is a sign that you are  doing it right.

Monday Elul 25^th

On Humility and Emunah faith.

I have found that living a spiritual or observant life is a conscious choice in today’s world.

The Kabbalists explain that in creation, to make room for material existence, G!d withdrew. Perhaps that’s why it can be difficult to find G!d’s presence in a sometimes fractured world. So to choose to life in faith can be an act of beautiful humility. But there are times we feel G!d’s presence so powerfully, like the moments of awe at the mountains, or the moments our babies were born, and that knowledge becomes even more humbling. And empowering. At our most difficult, heart breaking movents, surrendering and reaching for resonance with the gevurah/ strength and the rachamim/ compassion for self and friend can be a soul saver. I find that at these moments of constriction, I must stop and focus on my breathing, surrendering ego and anxiety. My mantra has been to Breathe in gratitude, Breathe out love,  breath by breath, moment by moment.  As Matisyahu wrote in Surrender

We run for the mountains, we will run for our lives
See our nations enslaved with no sign
I surrender my vision to your glory
This a story of a silent sky
And the ancient eyes, new baby blues
All brown her eyes
And I surrender to your glory

Surrender

Tuesday, Elul 26^th

A fun song today, but first a riddle: How is Yom haKippurim like/ca Purim? The answer can be found in the thirteen middot, which I am studying with R’ Ruth Gan Kagen. The middot are thirteen attributes, or essences of G!d, and also the words revealed to Moshe in the cleft of that rock when he begged to see G!d’s face. Chanting these words is said to have the power to awaken G!d’s forgiveness with rachamim g’murah, complete compassion. This rachamim g’murah in the face of sin is so radical, it threatens the foundation of the world, which, in Pirke Avot (1:18) is said to rest on justice, truth and peace. Also in Pirke Avot, chapter 4, which I am studying now with Joe Rosenstein, the answer to “who is strong?”אֵיזֶהוּ גִבּוֹר, הַכּוֹבֵשׁ אֶת יִצְרוֹ is is “he who can control his inclination (for harm)”. Therefore, when Rachamim g’murah overrides Divine judgement, G!d is showing the ultimate strength: over inclination. Divine mercy and One-ness then blur the lines between good and evil on this day. This is true of only one other Holiday, Chag Purim, where we drink until we cannot distinguish between “blessed be Mordechai, and cursed be Haman”. This Selichah g’murah only deals with sins between us and Hashem, sins with humans, you must seek their forgiveness.   Perhaps the punishment for sins with G!d is to live a life without the Presence in your life, without that source of meaning and kedushah.

Today I share this wonderful, but admittedly party-like song,

From Now On as we resolve in the new year, that from now on….What will your resolve be?

A man learns who is there for him, when the glitter fades and the wall won’t hold.

From the rubble what remains can only be what’s true

If all was lost there’s more I gained ‘cause it led me back to You..

And from now on, these eyes will not be blinded by the lights. From now on, what’s waited for tomorrow starts tonight And let this promise in me start

Like an anthem in my heart

From now on, from now on. 

And we will come back home again

From now on from The Greatest Showman

Wednesday, Elul 27^th

Lawrence Kushner teaches that “love is a verb” He writes:  How do you love people? You do things which don’t necessarily benefit you…In this sense, every favor can be the beginning of love or at least its repair. Each favor is a gift of self that says “You mean more to me than me. I may not understand your motive; it is enough for me to know that you desire it. 

I believe “love is a verb” is the heart of the Shema, and why it becomes our mantra each day. How do you love G!d as commanded in the Shema? I think by loving life, and this beautiful world and its inhabitants. To do this “with all your heart” admittedly is a challenge. But perhaps if that’s my resolve when I awaken, and being at home or taking my walk, then when I lie down at night, I can look back at my day and measure it “with love” as Larson ( reminded us. What if * radical listening, love and awareness of unity would be with us as we woke in the morning, and as a prelude to dreams at night, and punctuated moments of transition like when the colors of the sky mixed at sunset? I feel the Shema as a call to bring more love, first allowing it into my own heart, then as a resolve to bring love as a verb to the world each and every day with a full heart.  In loving acts our hearts and lives and the lives we touch will be fuller.

I’ve shared this before, my meditative “B’chol L’vav’cha”

Thursday, Elul 28^th On Believing in yourself.

I have learned an amazing teaching of the Bal Shem Tov (excerpted below) that when we say in humility “There’s nothing I can I do, things will never change” it is not really humility, but a surrender of the recognition of our potential, that “what we do matters” and that we are B’tzelem Elohim, if we believe in ourselves.

סולם – תורת הבעש“ט

you need to take note

And esteem yourself

As a ladder standing on the ground,

Whose top reaches the heavens.

And all of your movements

And words and deeds….

Leave their imprints on high.

Whereas if you think to yourself:

‘Of what importance do I think I am,….

With such an approach you go

With a stubborn attitude

And fool yourself thinking

That you will have peace…

This is not the case.

For through your positive deeds

You veritably cleave to the blessed holy One

And when you are being compassionate in this world

You arouse the Divine attribute of Compassion in all worlds.

 Amud Hat’fila 137

Toldot Yaacov Yoseph Ekev

Based on a translation by r’ Menachem Kalus

This sentiment is also beautifully expressed by the poet Alden Solovy, recorded here with an original melody in

 Soul Shine
Let your soul shine
In your chest.
Let your heart sparkle
In your eyes.
Let joy
Fill your limbs with radiance.
Let love
Fill your hands with splendor.
You are the instrument
Of G-d’s music,
The tool
Of repairing the earth.
You are the voice
Of wonder and awe,
The song
Of hope and tomorrow.

This gift,
This majesty within,
Is not yours to keep.
It is not yours to hold.
It is not yours to hide.

Let your soul shine
Luminous, elegant,
Brave and true,
A beacon of praise,
A lantern of song,
A summons for holiness
To enter our lives
And this world.

Let your soul shine.
Set it free.
Set it free to fill the space
Between the here
And the unknown
With abundance
And with blessings.

© 2019 CCAR Press from This Joyous Soul: A New Voice for Ancient Yearnings

Yesterday was Tisha B’Av, the 9th of Av. I have come to the conclusion that the reason Eicha, Lamentations is an alphabetic acrostic is to lead us from sorrow, out of the pits of despair and into love. The ninth of the Hebrew month Av always comes in the height of the summer, in oppressive heat, made worse these days by climate change. It is a day in which Jews give themselves permission to mourn the sadness in the world by reading a book from the writings called Lamentations, which is probably written by the prophet Jeremiah. I have written before on the character of Sadness in the animated movie Inside Out, and how crucial it is to honor Sadness in order for joy to “come in the Morning” (psalm 30) for Reily, the main character. Love this movie! So three things:

1. Lamentations is the saddest book of awful things that happen to people in war; this described the pain suffered by women raped, and men killed, and cannibalism, in a poetic acrostic! Jerusalem is personified, and she argues back (at times) that she doesn’t deserve this fate. All these terrible things still happen in the world, unfortunately, and so are relevant for our sense of empathy and mourning man’s inhumanity to man. However it reflects a harsh, judgemental view of God as meeting out punishment that I cannot abide – G!d as a murderer, rapist, this is something that has no reality for me. I have read this translation and commentary of Eicha for the past three years by Rabbi David Mevorach Siedenberg of Neochasid.org.
2. There are two basic ways to approach the writings in the Bible, and I am not the only one by a long shot that holds both of these, sometimes conflicting approaches at the same time. And perhaps to not wrestle with and consider both leads to a form of intolerance and extremism! So back to my comment on Lamentations above, I can take the words of lamentations on many levels, and look to the text as permission to mourn the awfulness in the world sometimes, without literally having to accept that God intentionally punished Jerusalem and made people suffer because they worshiped idols. I can apply modern feminist text study to show the unfairness of the implication that women deserve violence for unfaithfulness, even though this was a prophetic male attitude of the times. I can take personal hope from the hopeful verses found in Lamentations about repentance and the power of forgiveness in the universe, and in each other. I have found this journey to be profoundly healing. My thanks to R’ Shulamit Sapir for these and more insights
3. And finally, out of the catstrophy of the destruction of the Second Temple, the prophets could have said, “that’s it, God has abandoned the People”, they did not. Instead they ushered in, with the help of the Rabbis of the 1st century, a re-imagined future, creating a Judaism based upon study, righteous acts, and prayer. It is very hopeful for me in this world challenged by climate change, by oppression of people of color, by the threats of war, nuclear and otherwise, that we can similarly, out of the madness and suffering of our times, believe in the power of God’s forgiveness, and the strength and goodness of the righteous in humanity and usher in a more just and loving world. And so on the full moon in four days, it is a time to celebrate love, as Lamentations is an acrostic to lead us out of despair and into love.